Just a Prank
by Heaven And Above
Summary: In which the Marauders deal with fancying people and terrible, unfair and slightly hilarious pranks by no one knows who and a whole lot of chaos that ensues when they try to solve their problems. Slash. Sirius/Remus, side James/Lily, side Peter/OC.(Psst, Peter, as a part of the prank, is turned into a girl, but only for the sake of my poor attempts at comedy, you have been warned).
1. Manly Staring Contests

Sirius is staring at Peter.

His eyes are beginning to water.

He feels his face beginning to burn as blood floods to his cheeks.

In his defence, however, Peter does not look any better than he does.

The guy looks like he is about to faint.

There is a vein pulsing on his forehead and for a couple of seconds Sirius wonders if he should stop this to make sure it doesn't pop.

His lungs are begging Sirius to breathe in but he refuses.

He is strong.

He is determined.

He is unrelenting.

He is Sirius Black.

He is the winner.

So he will surely not lose this no-breathing-staring contest.

In the corner of his vision Sirius notices someone enter the common room and his eyes stray to look at Moony who is standing by the entrance looking at them strangely.

"I win! Ha! I win!"Peter cheers wheezing and Sirius realizes his mistake.

"No! Wait! No! No fair!"He yells his eyes jumping from Remus back to Peter and back to Remus again.

Of course he is going to look at Remus passing by, doesn't mean Peter is better at holding his breath and not blinking at the same time.

Obviously not.

Sirius is the manliest man here and so he is the obviously more capable at that than Peter.

There is no question about it.

Really, waving Remus in front of Sirius' nose is the same as waving a piece of cake in front of Peter's – it is cheating lewd and clear.

Loud and clear.

Sirius means loud and clear.

"Do I want to know?"A small smile pulls at the corners of Remus' lips.

"No! That's not fair, Peter! Nooo."Sirius mewls in despair and falls to his knees hiding his face in his hands, wallowing in his defeat.

"Ha! I won!"Peter dances around Sirius' broken frame pointing at himself.

"I demand a rematch!"Sirius looks up suddenly, his eyes afire with determination.

"Guys?"Remus asks and Sirius looks at him softening his eyes.

"Could you please go up, Remus? You're not helping. Trust me."Sirius smiles at Moony, because he really needs to win this.

"No! I won! You lost! We're not doing it over and over again until you win and I have to do you know what!" Peter exclaims outraged at Sirius' attitude.

"Ah, it's a bet." Remus hums nodding as if it's just what he has been expecting. "I'll just go up and try not to take it personally, _Sirius."_ He gives his friend a pointed look.

Sirius is surprised for a second and almost blurts out that it was a compliment but thinks better of it feeling his heart sink a little.

He then frowns instead.

"Sorry, didn't mean it like that." He murmurs.

"I'm sure you didn't." Remus' tone is that of a parent talking to a five year old and Sirius can see that his attention is already on the roll of parchment in his hand.

As Remus bites his lower lip walking absentmindedly to the stairs, with his eyes focused on whatever text is on it, Sirius can't help but bite his own lip in response.

He snaps out of it feeling someone staring at him and remembers that he's still talking to Peter who is looking at him with a sceptical expression.

"Be a little more obvious, why won't you?"Peter whispers under his breath and Sirius' eyebrows shoot up.

"What?"He asks.

"I said I'm not doing a rematch."Peter responds.

"But why? It wasn't fair!"Sirius whines distracted from the fact that it is certainly not what he heard.

"Why? He entered the room we were both in; it was just as much of a distraction to me too!"Peter counters turning his nose up a bit.

"But..."Sirius stutters and realises that he's cornered.

"Yes?"Peter is all innocence but he knows that he just won, because if Sirius wanted to argue further it would mean saying some things out loud he certainly doesn't want to say.

Granted everyone knows them anyway, because Discrete is definitely not Sirius' middle name.

But because his middle name isn't Self-Awareness either, Sirius thinks no one knows.

And Peter is just so proud of himself for being smart enough to play this card.

"But... I really don't want to do it."Sirius sighs and Peter knows he just won.

"A bet's a bet, no matter who wins and who loses."He almost sings out.

He knows his friend only agreed to the thing because he is too conceited to even think about losing and actually having to do it.

Let him learn his lesson.

"Peter."Sirius is now pulling out his most charming smile and looking at Peter through his eyelashes.

Peter is aware of what's happening, he's seen it in action enough times to recognise _the Move._

"My friend."Sirius' voice is now an octave lower and husky as if what he's about to say is a secret meant just for Peter.

Unpleasant shivers run down Peter's spine.

"Sirius, you do realize I'm not some bird you're in a broom closet with. That doesn't work on me."He grumbles and scrunches his face as if having tasted something terrible.

Sirius curses under his breath.

"Come on, Peter! We're friends, aren't we? What kind of friend would do that?"Sirius whines like a kid throwing a tantrum and jumps up and down acting out the role perfectly while his hand clutches Peter's.

"You would. If I would've lost that would be exactly what you'd do!" Peter's having none of this.

"But Wormtail!-" Sirius starts again, though he knows perfectly well that he would, indeed, make Peter do it no matter what.

"No, you lost."

* * *

So there Sirius is a couple hours later.

He knows that if Remus the Prefect doesn't kill him for this, James the Head Boy will certainly mock Sirius into his grave.

And if he doesn't do the job, Sirius will most likely die of shame anyway.

As cold bites at his exposed torso Sirius thinks that he just may be too young to die.

That he still has things to do in life.

And just because his will isn't strong enough to control his eyes he's on the brink of utter and total embarrassment.

He feels Peter's wand poking his skin as it traces the letters on his back.

 _A month_ the spell said, he will have to stay like this for a month.

He can already imagine Moony's expression and that alone is enough to make his skin burn.

He's Sirius Black for Merlin's sake and there he is already coloured all shades of red from 'embarrassment pink' to 'mortification maroon'.

"Hold still if you don't want a hole in your lungs."Peter murmurs.

"That would probably be my kidneys or something, lungs are a little more to the north."Sirius grumbles absentmindedly, too distracted by his dim prospects to be angry with his tormentor.

"Yeah, well a hole's a hole and I think that you might not want another one of those."Peter responds and though Sirius is not facing him, he just knows that Peter is biting his tongue in concentration.

Sirius then is lost in another image.

There's one more greasy face he just knows will have the worst reaction possible.

He imagines Severus' smirk and shudders.

"Done!"Peter declares proudly.

"Great."Sirius hums sarcastically and his heart starts doing leaps because that means that it's time for the worst part.

"Now come on, Sirius, no need to be so sad." Peter chuckles.

"Wormtail."Sirius' tone is laced with warning.

"Okay, okay."Peter hums hurriedly. "Ready?"

"No."

"Great!" Peter pushes Sirius' stagnant frame forward and Sirius almost falls through the great hall door.

Every head in the room turns to look at him.

And Sirius just knows that this is the end.

He straightens up as conversations slowly die out and despite the burning sensation on his skin he starts walking.

Like there is nothing wrong.

The only sound is behind Sirius' back and it's Peter's choked laughter.

So Sirius presses on.

He walks with wooden legs to his usual spot and sees Remus, James and Lily gawking at his chest with utter disbelief.

The room slowly starts filling up with whispers and the noise is like an approaching tsunami threatening to swoosh Sirius' pride off the surface.

"Sirius."Moony squeezes out as his amber eyes trail up and down Sirius upper body. "Why is…"

But he stops there as if he's unable to say it and shakes his head like he was trying to shake the image out of it.

"Padfoot?" James mutters and Sirius can see the laughter building in the guy's throat as his voice begins to muffle and his lips start to pull into a grin.

"Black."Lily's voice isn't questioning. It's reprimanding.

"Sirius, there are words 'Snape's bitch' written all over you in bright pink, you are aware of that?"

Leave it to Remus to address it in such a cool and collected manner.

James explodes with laughter. Even Evans lets out an uncontrollable giggle.

Sirius wishes for earth to swallow him as he nods.

He hears someone choking by his side and glances at Peter, who apparently had to crawl to their table because he couldn't stand properly with all the laughter shaking his body.

As the whole room gradually drowns in chuckles, giggles, hollering and whatnot, Sirius fights the urge to bring his hands to his face to cover it.

He instead puts on a little smile and looks at Remus.

He realizes that it most probably looks not even remotely close to being kind of convincing.

He then sees that even Remus, the guy who Sirius expected would react by shouting and reciting school rules, is trying to hide his complete amusement and not doing so well as he coughs to hide the 'pffft' that Sirius hears escape his throat.

And that's the moment Sirius knows that even if Remus was attracted to guys and even if Sirius would've had a chance, there is no way a guy with 'Snape's bitch' written all over his skin would be Moony's type.

So he feels his lips betray him and the smile fall.

To which Remus' eyes widen.

"Sorry, sorry!" The guy apologizes quickly. "It's just… the way you just smiled…"

And Remus is coughing again to hide another fit of laughter.

"Blaaaaaaaaack!" McGonagall's voice booms over all the laughter and the sound dials down quicker than Sirius can say 'damn'.

The only one still choking, literally rolling on the floor laughing, is Peter.

"Mate, come on."James whispers hurriedly, pulling Peter up by his arm and pushing a glass of pumpkin juice into his hand.

"What is this-"But McGonagall's sentence is interrupted in the middle.

Peter, who takes a swig from the glass looks at it weirdly, lets out a gargle and falls to the floor.

With no sign of life.

They all freeze looking at Peter's knocked out body.

Then James turns to look at Sirius.

"You did it, Padfoot. You killed Wormtail."


	2. Gazongas

When Peter comes to he sees McGonagall's face staring at him with concern.

He then looks around to see his friends looking at him with quiet amazement.

There's Sirius and there's James and there's Remus. Even Lily is there.

They're all surrounding the bed.

It occurs to him then that he's in the hospital wing.

Madam Pomfrey brushes past the others and looks at him frowning.

"Pettigrew, how many fingers am I holding up?"She asks holding up two.

"Two."Peter responds slowly.

He vaguely remembers being in the great hall and then… he drank something and the whole world went blank.

He was poisoned!

"What happened?"He asks when he sees that everyone is staring at him in shocked silence. They're all wearing expressions of people who've just seen him grow a second head and Peter really hopes that isn't the case.

"Are you feeling okay?" Pomfrey asks, ignoring his question.

"Fine." Peter responds impatiently, at a loss as to why exactly they're acting the way they are.

"Nothing feels… weird?"Pomfrey questions further and Peter swears he hears an ever so silent 'pfft' let out by either Sirius or James before they cover it up with a cough.

"No. I'm fine." Peter grumbles. "What's going on?"

Pomfrey looks at McGonagall uneasily and weird glances are exchanged between Remus and Lily, while amusement starts to spread over James and Sirius's faces.

"Peter…"McGonagall sighs and it sets of yet another alarm, because she never uses his first name. She goes on to look at him with a pitying look on her face and he just knows that he probably lost a limb or two to earn such an honor.

Peter looks down to check.

Limbs are intact.

However.

"What the…"He murmurs and looks again.

Then he touches.

Then he gasps.

" _Are those…"_ Peter lets out a squeak.

And James is now giggling like a prepubescent girl gasping for air while Sirius is smirking.

"Now come on, Peter, not like you didn't have them before."He grins mischievously.

"Black!"McGonagall chastises.

Peter can't really focus on the banter though, he just stares down at his body.

 _"Those are… those are…"_ He tries to squeeze out.

Sirius barks a laugh.

"Boobs, Peter."

Peter Pettigrew loses his consciousness for the second time that day.

"That wasn't nice, Sirius." Remus stares helplessly at his passed out friend and tries to look cross with Sirius at the same time.

"Someone had to tell him sooner or later 'cause by the looks of it he didn't even know what they were." Sirius defends himself.

But they all know that he's enjoying this way more than he should.

Mostly because it's his own unexpected revenge for the bright pink fiasco adorning his skin.

"I swear, before you boys came, Hogwarts was a quiet and peaceful place."McGonagall murmurs and slumps down on the bed next to Peter's.

All of them, including even Madam Pomfrey, give her skeptical looks and she chuckles wryly.

"Well more so than now, anyway."

"What kind of potion does this?"Lily asks, looking more disturbed by the fact that she doesn't know something than by the actual events.

"None that I can think of… but then again, I must say that I've never really had a reason to find out."McGonagall hums grimly.

"Not anything I've seen before." Madam Pomfrey nods.

"So what do we do? Shouldn't we take him to the hospital? Or at least try to find an antidote?" Remus shakes his head concerned.

Sirius notes the crease between his eyebrows, the slight frown and the melting gold of his eyes and almost wishes he was the one unconscious so that Remus was concerned about him.

But then again… maybe not.

"I highly doubt that even the most talented pupils at this school would be able to actually invent a transfiguration potion of _such_ effects that last more than a month." McGonagall stands up and straightens out her robes, brushing dust off of them.

"More like disfiguration." Sirius whispers under his breath glancing at the body on the bed.

James howls with laughter.

"Sirius!"Remus growls. "Can you at least pretend to be worried?"

"Oh, calm down, he's a female which is, though arguably but still, better than being dead. You heard what the professor said. It will be over in a month or less, so whatever. I on the other hand am walking with this,"Sirius motions to the skin of his wrist peeking out from the sleeve and glowing with pink letters, "For the very same month, which is definitely worse than a pair of gazongas."

"Ga-what?"Lily murmurs confused.

Remus quickly reaches out his hand to cover Sirius' mouth.

They are actually discussing breasts in front of McGonagall.

A new low has been reached.

James hollers with uncontrollable laughter once again.

"Lily, trust me, if you ask him this we'll be stuck here for hours listening to the list of synonyms he has for that word. It's one of his special talents."Remus rolls his eyes and feels Sirius' lips press into a smile against his hand. Then there's something hot and wet on his palm and he jumps back.

"Tell me you did not just do that!"He yelps and wipes his hand on his pants quickly.

"Of course I didn't do _that._ I simply licked you, Remus. Merlin."Sirius responds with mock indignation and Moony's eyebrows shoot up.

"You know what? I don't even want to know."He murmurs and turns to give McGonagall an apologetic look.

"Anyway," The professor gives them a disapproving sideways glance, which has just enough humor in it to make Remus think that even McGonagall is not completely immune to the boyish charms of the Great Sirius Black. "I think our best bet is to leave the matters untouched until it wears off, otherwise we may be risking some dangerous side effects by trying to undo the charm. Unless, of course, we can find out what exact potion was used."

"Or find the culprit and make them tell us what was in it."James hums and McGonagall's eyes shoot to him, ablaze with reproof.

" _You_ will do no finding, James Potter, for it would surely include many school rules being broken and chaos being caused. No plans. No traps. Nothing. Am I clear?"She says, her voice quiet but dangerous enough for James to nod quickly and Lily to throw him a smug look.

"Now. I need to see professor Dumbledoor about this. If you'll excuse me."

Pomfrey leaves with McGonagall and when the door closes behind them James sighs dreamily and puts a hand over his chest.

"She knows me so well."

"Of course she knows you well, everybody knows you well, James. There's really not that much depth to your personality."Lily rolls her eyes.

"Hey now, you should hear your boyfriend's speech he always gives when one of his socks go missing. It's based on some muggle scientist's explanation of some caustic mechanisms."Sirius defends his friend and Remus groans.

"He means quantum mechanics." Moony answers Lily's questioning stare and the girl giggles.

"Yeah!"James is now excited and Remus is praying that he does not explain further, but alas, "You see this guy Schridinger-"

"Schrödinger, James." Remus mumbles after flinching at the butchered name.

"That's what I said. So Schrindinger's theory is that if you don't know if the lost sock is in the drawer or not, at the same time it is in the drawer and it isn't. But once you do open it, it's either or. Which means that if you never open the drawer all the lost socks in the world are in there, hence you never need to buy new ones."James beams proudly and Remus can almost hear him proclaim in his head 'Aren't I smart?'

Lily looks at James for a couple of seconds then glances at Remus.

"He isn't actually serious, is he?"

"He is."

"Wow."

"I know."

They then start chuckling at the same time, because James pouts childishly.

Sirius watches their exchange in quiet bemusement, because he may just have set James up for this one so that Lily and Remus can have their 'smart people' fun.

He likes Remus smiling even if it means making a fool of himself or of James. Though the latter probably would not appreciate the sentiment.

But as Sirius notices a warm glance James gives Lily he suddenly understands that maybe his friend does know exactly what Sirius is doing and simply goes along with it for the same reasons Sirius does it.

"I just had the weirdest dream."Peter's voice interrupts them and they all fall silent as they look at their friend sitting up.

Peter… does not make a pretty girl, Sirius thinks and leaves it at that, before his mind can go places Sirius doesn't want nor need it going.

"Do tell, Peter."James prompts earning himself two nasty glares from Moony and Lily.

"I was poisoned and then I had boobs and then McGonagall was there, so I thought I lost my limbs or grew a second head and then…" Peter murmurs groggily and then stops mid-sentence whilst looking down.

"Don't faint!"Remus yells at him in alarm and Sirius notes that if he ever needs help not fainting Remus is not the person to go to.

"You've got to be joking, Moons."Sirius laughs. "He sure is not going to faint now."

Peter raises his head.

"But-"

"Sorry, Peter."Lily says with all the pity in the world.

* * *

That night as Madam Pomfrey ushers them out, they leave Peter in front of a body sized mirror he absolutely insisted on being brought.

The poor guy is still 'ooh'ing and 'aww'ing and murmuring about bits and pieces of his body that are just not supposed to there and complaining especially about those missing and how it's completely unfair that he has to be such an ugly girl, when at the very least it would be more fair if he was a good looking one.

They all nod in compassion, which is not entirely sincere on James and Sirius' part, because it is just too much fun to hear Peter's voice coming out of a girl's mouth, making the situation even more comical.

Even Remus can't help a tiny chuckle here and there, though he hides it better than his friends.

When James, Sirius and Remus are back in their dorm room, James plops down on his bed and turns to his side looking at his friends with the oh-so-familiar flames of mischief dancing in his eyes.

"We've got to find who did this."He states and grins eagerly. "You know we do."

Sirius rolls his eyes but inevitably starts responding to the trouble making atmosphere James is radiating and grinning slowly.

Remus is hesitant. But he does think that the very least Peter deserves is them trying to help.

"I don't know, James, maybe we should just try to find out whether there is actually such a potion first."Moony hums biting his lower lip. "That could be the faster way to help Peter."

"Peter?"James asks appalled, "Who cares about Peter, he'll be fine. Mine as the greatest prankster of our generation reputation is in jeopardy, I can't just let whoever did this get away with it."

Sirius laughs at Remus' disapproving expression.

"I need to know who did it and how!"James exclaims sitting up.

"Well, you do that on your own then, James, I'm not getting myself into one of your master troubles ever again."Remus frowns and shakes his head, moving to his bed, picking up his towel along the way.

"My master _troubles?_ " James protests, "Moony, be honest with yourself for a moment okay, at least about this. You may pretend to be all prim and perfect, but we know all know that you enjoy our troubles just as much as the rest of us do."

Moony scoffs and turns away to which Sirius chuckles.

"James got you there, Moons." He agrees with Potter, partly because Sirius knows James is right, but mostly because Remus is now narrowing his eyes and glaring at them and there's just something about getting a reaction out of Remus that makes Sirius' blood run faster.

He thinks that he soon will have to resort to pulling Moony's hair just for that reason and that it is truly pathetic.

"You're the head boy, James. Have some shame. Whatever you're planning, you heard McGonagall, she already forbade it."Remus argues.

"I don't have a plan yet, but even if I did, McGonagall would never have to know about it."James wiggles his eyebrows.

"I'm guessing Lily doesn't have to know either."Remus retorts and there's a smug little smile playing on his lips, because he knows that it is a significant blow.

"She doesn't."James responds all too quickly and Remus looking at the flash of fear in the guy's eyes gives him a holier-than-thou smile, because he knows he just won.

When Moony disappears to the bathroom, Sirius looks at James with a skeptical glint in his eyes.

"Look, Prongs, you should know this by now. You come up with the plan first, and then you go to Moony. He can't help offering improvements, because let's face it, he can't keep it to his perfectionist self, and voila! You have a very cooperative Remus on your side."He explains and James responds with a humorous look.

"If there was a science on all things Moony, you'd be the world's best at it." He laughs.

Sirius sticks out his tongue and James plops back down on his back with a content sigh.

"Sirius is Snape's bitch, Peter is a girl and I have a master plan to come up with." He murmurs. "Today was a good day."

Sirius picks up a pillow and throws it at the guy with full strength.


	3. Sunday Morning

The next day when Sirius wakes up he is greeted by the sight of Moony spread out on the bed next to Sirius' with a book on his lap and sunshine rays weaving through the dirty blond locks, making him look like he's glowing.

His breath catches as his mind slowly comes out of the drowsiness.

The sight is beautiful.

Sirius smiles to himself.

He then remembers that this is as close as he will ever get to waking up next to Remus.

And that this is the last year such bittersweet pleasure is given to him.

The smile vanishes as his heart plummets, but he doesn't move and doesn't say anything.

Because the peaceful island that is the sight is warm enough to just look at. Even from outside.

Moony's frame shifts and suddenly the golden eyes are looking at Sirius'.

The sunlight lights them up and Sirius feels a sudden tug at his stomach. It's near painful.

But then again, these days a lot of things to do with Moony are.

"Morning."Remus smiles at him and Sirius puts on a grin.

It's forced, but he starts to believe it along the way, because why should he not let himself forget everything for a moment when Remus is smiling at him brightly, lit up by the morning light and so purely perfect.

"Morning." He responds. "You're in your uniform."

"I went to the library." Remus gestures to the book.

"We need to wear uniforms to the library? On Sundays?"Sirius asks incredulously.

"If that's not something you needed to worry about for the past six years, I doubt you need to worry about it now, Padfoot."Remus smiles slightly reprimanding and rolls his eyes.

"True."Sirius agrees and grins innocently.

"Getting up?"Moony asks.

"Nah, not yet."Sirius replies and snuggles into his pillow earning himself a warm glint in Remus' eyes.

"No pressure, it's only twelve after all."

Sirius sticks his tongue out. Remus chuckles at that and returns his eyes to the book.

Sirius lays there letting himself observe.

Noting the strand of hair falling over Remus' eyes and the curve of his lips.

The skin warm and smooth disappearing behind the collar of the shirt.

Moony lifts up a hand and runs two fingers under it, absentmindedly trying to loosen the material.

He gives up then and after tugging at his tie undoes the first couple of buttons.

Sirius mind goes astray and he wonders what it would be like dragging his lips down the skin under the material.

Warm.

Running his fingers down the line of Remus' spine. Slipping his fingertips under the hem of his shirt.

Soothing, coaxing.

Letting his cheek brush up past the jaw line and slowly, carefully attaching his lips to Remus'. Holding on to the guy as if his life depended on it.

Kissing till everything else… everything cold and dark that seemed to be surrounding them closing in on them slowly while they were doing their best to ignore it enjoying their last days of carelessness… till all of it slowly melted away.

Sharing air, passing it between them in gasps.

Letting himself get lost in Moony's eyes and whispering promises that would be welcome.

Letting the shame of his racing heartbeat be washed away by the one pressing against his chest.

"Sirius?" Remus' voice snaps him out of the spell.

"Yeah?"Sirius has to fight not to avert his eyes quickly.

Nothing would give his thoughts away faster.

But it's hard because he feels guilty and dirty and Remus looks concerned.

"You look a bit out of it."Moony frowns.

"Just thinking." And his voice sounds almost normal, which is great.

"Right."Remus still doesn't look all that convinced. "Well, anyway, Madam Pomfrey is still fussing around Peter, so he's not going anywhere for at least a couple of days."

"Is that what you're reading?"Sirius nods in the general direction of Remus' lap. "Looking for the potion?"

"Yes. I don't even have any idea where I should start, so it's going to be a long search."Remus sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose.

"I'll help."Sirius murmurs comfortingly. "I can see that you're about to work yourself into a frenzy, which you really shouldn't do. Peter's going to be fine either way, you know."

"I know, it's just…I don't know, something feels a bit off about the situation."Remus complains, looking at Sirius with concern shining in his eyes.

"You just worry too much, Moons." Sirius flips to his back and sits up propping himself on his arms. "Don't. You have enough on your plate as it is, okay?" He tries not to let his own worry about Moony show.

The blanket slides down his body and pools at his midsection and suddenly Moony is staring at the exposed torso and a shaky smile is building up on his lips.

It takes Sirius a second but then he remembers.

"Shit."He swears. "I forgot about that."

Remus starts choking on his laughter, obviously trying to keep it down but failing miserably.

"You can stop now, Remus, you've seen it already." Sirius grumbles as each sound cuts through his pride, injuring it further.

"Sorry."Remus gasps and slowly regains control under Sirius' blaming glare. "Sorry, Sirius."

He then pushes the book onto the bed and stands up, walking over and taking Sirius' wrist and pulling his arm up to examine the writings on Sirius' skin.

Sirius watches with all the fascination in the world as Moony's fingers brush his skin lightly and tries not to react to the sensation shooting all throughout his body from the simple touch.

He knows it's rather pathetic, he does, but it's Remus.

That being said Sirius would very much like to be surprised at the desire running in hot waves through his lower abdomen when Moony bites his lip in concentration. He would like to be, but Sirius is at the point where he is honest with himself about this so he isn't.

"This is _cutis atramentum,_ isn't it?"Remus asks glancing up at Sirius' face. Sirius manages to nod and let out an agreeing sound which actually sounds an awful lot like a moan.

Remus doesn't seem to notice though, he goes back to examining the skin.

At that moment the door slams open and standing in the doorway is a stunned looking James.

He looks at the two guys for a moment.

Takes in Sirius' expression.

Then throws a calculating gaze at Remus.

"Am I-" He starts hesitantly at the same time that Remus says:

"Oh hi, James."

The guy releases Sirius' arm and grins up at his other friend.

"Never mind then."James hums but smirks at the blush spreading over Padfoot's cheeks. "Hi, Moony, morning, Sirius. What are you up to?"

"Just trying to think if there are any loopholes for the skin ink spell." Remus motions towards Sirius with his hand.

"Is that what you were doing?"James throws Moony a speculative look, to which the guy responds with a very confused one.

Sirius however chokes on air and turns his head down, a trick he learned to hide his face behind his hair a long time ago.

"I can't remember to be honest, Remus, but I'm pretty sure we got it from 'Beauty Spells and Charms'. Red book, about this big."James replies then with an easygoing smile and indicates the size of the book with his hands.

"I'll go find it, maybe at least this problem we can solve."Remus nods.

Sirius' stomach then rumbles and they both turn to look at him, which couldn't be more unfortunate because he's still red and not just from the 'skin ink' thing.

"Missed breakfast."He explains sadly.

"We know."James rolls his eyes.

"On the table."Remus responds and Sirius looks over his bedside table to see a small pile of food Moony probably scavenged for him from breakfast.

"Moons," Sirius whispers, "Have I ever told you you're my favorite person ever?"

"Only every time I give you food, Padfoot." Remus laughs. "And we both know that I'm not even your favorite person in this room."

"You mean that jackass."Sirius snorts and scrunches his nose motioning to James. "Not even close."

James lets out a sound of protest.

"No, Sirius, I mean that your favorite person is and probably will always be you."Remus teases and James chuckles.

"Well, Moony, it's hard to compete with perfection, but you come in close second."Sirius grins.

"Right. And I shall enjoy this short lasting honor until someone else offers you food." Remus nods solemnly. Then starts walking toward the door. "Well I'm off to the library. Again." He sighs giving a small nod to his friends and disappearing behind the door.

"So what _were_ you doing before I came in, Sirius?" James teases and earns a nasty glare in return.

"I wasn't doing anything." Sirius grumbles defensively.

"Oh, really." James wiggles his eyebrows. "You were looking ready to pounce at any moment, Sirius. If you insist on feigning innocence at least make it a bit more convincing."

Sirius feels his face burn but refuses to give into the obvious provocation, instead he just grabs a muffin sitting on the table and stuffs his mouth.

"Maybe next time you should let Peter use the skin ink thing just a tad bit lower, so Remus feels compelled to examine _that."_ James grins with mischief and Sirius freezes.

The image enters his head just for a split second before he chases it out but it's more than enough.

He groans and falls back pulling the covers over his head.

"Sod off, James, I hate you."

"Perhaps I should leave you to your thoughts for a while, Padfoot."James laughs.

"Shut up!"

"Oh, come on you make it too easy." Potter plops down on his own bed and smiles satisfied with himself. "Or is it that Remus makes it too hard?"

He almost hears the wheels turning in Padfoot's head and waits until the guy gets it.

"I cannot believe you just said that!"Sirius yelps but his voice breaks mid-sentence and the desired angry effect is not achieved.

"Anyway."James dismisses the topic as if it's the most casual thing in the world and Sirius hates him all the more for it.

He's dying here, it's not fair.

"I was thinking."James hums.

"Dear Merlin, never do that again, James, you'll injure yourself."Sirius bites still hidden in his bed.

He takes a bite of the muffin and chews thoughtfully, willing every other thought away.

Good thing that when friends don't offer much comfort, food does.

"Very funny. As I was saying… I was thinking, you know yesterday the whole Peter thing? Do you think the potion was placed on our table, exactly where we usually sit, on purpose?" James asks.

Sirius thinks about it for a moment.

He then pulls the blanket out of his face and looks at James frowning.

"I doubt it. I mean it's just a prank, I doubt very much that someone actually would go out of their way to do it particularly to Peter. The guy hardly has any enemies. And it's not like we sit in exactly the same spot in exactly the same order."He reasons, because it doesn't look very likely that it would be possible to position the glass in such a particular spot on purpose, when so many others could've just taken it at any time before they came in.

"You're right of course."James nods. "I just… I don't know, maybe I was expecting that it's something personal."

"You were expecting?"Sirius chuckles. "You're just looking for a good fight, James."

"I am." Potter doesn't bother denying it.


	4. Personal

And it becomes personal.

So very personal.

That night, when Remus is still neck deep in books, taking turns to read about both, skin ink spell and the principles of transfiguration potions and Sirius is lounging about the dorm, bouncing off the walls with pent up energy and trying his best to distract Remus and make the guy pay attention to him, Potter falls through the doorway, landing on the ground face first.

The other two guys look at him stunned.

James pushes himself up on his elbows and raises his head.

He is covered in pimples.

Covered, as in not a centimeter of his skin is clear.

They're everywhere, starting with his forehead ending with his fingers.

Potter's eyes are wide and scandalized and his glasses are hanging on the end of his nose about to fall off.

"Merlin."Sirius mutters and the book he was balancing on his head falls to the ground with a loud thud.

"Oh, not you too."Remus whines and rubs his face with one hand tiredly.

"I told you! I told you we are targeted, Sirius!"James yells angrily and jumps to his feet, hurrying past his friends and into the bathroom where he stands examining his poor skin for a couple of moments.

"What happened?"Sirius frowns.

"I drank something that's what happened."James huffs.

"What do you mean 'something'?"Remus asks narrowing his eyes.

"I mean something. I was just sitting in the common room, you know, trying to figure that whole Peter thing out, and I turned and saw a bottle of butterbeer standing on the coffee table beside me and …"James trails off, playing with his skin to his friends' utter disgust.

"Don't touch them, James, you'll only make it worse, you dimwit!"Remus chastises and James throws him an accusatory glance.

"Hey! I'm the victim here, why are you so mean!"

"Because, you daft prick, I can't believe you were stupid enough to drink something just standing there!"Moony groans. "After all these years of spiking everything at every opportunity you get, one would think you would have enough wit to actually think twice about things you put in your mouth."

"Hate to say it, but he's right, Prongs."Sirius nods trying to tame a smile when he sees James trying to pull the back of his shirt up and examine his back, twisting and turning, looking so much like a dog chasing its tail.

"Well, great, I'm an idiot, will you just help me already?"James grinds out through gritted teeth.

"Just go to Pomfrey, she'll fix you right up."Sirius shrugs amazed that his friend is not at the hospital wing yet.

"Been already, not like after this happened I hurried right up here to talk to you two."James rolls his eyes.

"And?"

"When she tried to remove these, they spread to my toes."James whines pathetically. "I have pimples in places I never knew it was possible to have them, Moony, so just fix me."

"James, I don't know what kind of power you all think I secretly hold, but I hate to say that if a medwitch with years of experience couldn't fix you, then certainly I cannot conjure some solution up like it's nothing."Remus complains. "Besides, I have two other idiots that need help, one of whom, we can all agree has a far more serious problem, and I haven't even started my Potions' homework."

"But, Moony."James looks at him teary eyed and with his lip trembling ever so slightly. And Sirius actually feels bad for Remus now. Because they all know Remus is about to say yes to whatever James asks. "Something pops every time I sit down. Please."

Sirius and Remus cringe at the mental image.

"Okay. Okay. Just…don't talk about those bits of you anymore. Not something I need in my mind."Moony agrees and his shoulders slump. "Wait, can't you just ask your one true love, James?"

"She refused to help me after I tried to show her."James grumbles and pouts.

Sirius starts laughing at the mental image of James pulling his pants down in front of Lilyright there in the common room. Because that's probably what happened.

"Not funny."James protests.

"Actually…"Remus lets out a soft chuckle and James knows he lost.

"Well, whatever, just help me figure this out."James huffs. "And whoever is responsible for this…let's just say that I will find them. And when I do, they better pray that none of this monstrosity leaves any scars, or heads will roll."

* * *

Peter is confused.

And craving something sweet.

But mostly confused.

He is kicked out of the hospital wing, because Pomfrey gets six more patients after some very unfortunate practice of potion making.

Before she lets him go she calls McGonagall and they discuss the matter of his adaptation to this new development (apparently growing a pair of gazongas is now called a 'development') and decide to get Lily of all people to help him out with…girl stuff.

He doesn't quite get what it means at first, but when he moves around a little bit and pops three of his shirts' buttons around his chest area, he starts to understand little by little.

So now he's confused.

He and the Head Girl are standing in front of two staircases winding up.

One leads to boy's dormitory, while another leads to the gates of paradise.

At first he doesn't even stop to think about it, but then Lily points out that until everyone is informed about his situation him sleeping with the boys may cause some ruckus.

Pete is smart enough to know that whatever ruckus she thinks would happen has a very low chance of actually happening, but he realizes that an attractive well-proportioned redhead _would_ just imagine every single male specimen as a big bad wolf and him as a little lamb.

So he is confused.

Or at least he's pretending to be.

In reality he may or may not be trying to play his cards right to get to sleep with the girls.

"What do we do?"Lily breathes an uneasy sigh, frowning so thoroughly that Peter almost feels bad for making her this concerned.

But not bad enough to give up the possibility of witnessing an actual pillow fight.

With feathers and lacey underwear and the like.

"I don't know."He shakes his head solemnly.

At that very moment, a very disgruntled Remus Lupin descends down the staircase.

No, not the one leading to paradise.

"Peter?"He stops in his tracks.

Peter takes in the guy's shifty gaze that's clearly avoiding bits and pieces of him that are not very male anymore and the book in his hands, reading 'Transfiguration For the Simple Minded' and can't decide whether to glare at his friend for the obvious distaste for his current state or to thank him as he probably is the only one trying to actually get him back to normal at this moment.

"Hi."Peter nods and settles for a friendly acknowledgement.

"Oh, Remus, help me out here."Lily interjects. "I-"

"Lily, love, I couldn't care less."Remus visibly shudders at the word 'help'. "I have a male friend to turn back to …well being actually male, a Black, talking my ear of about how he cannot walk into the class with Slytherins in it tomorrow, because they will mock him dead as he was genius enough to let that male friend of mine write 'Snape's bitch' all over him, and as if that's not enough I have your genius boyfriend, complaining to me about things popping and other grossness because apparently your love only lasts as long as he doesn't take of his pants to show you his pimply arse."

Remus takes in a deep breath and Lily's eyes widen.

"So, no, I will not help you out. I'm going to the library. Again. That's the third time today. On a Sunday. That's a record even for me. Especially considering that I got _none_ of my homework done."

Moony storms past them and as his back disappears behind the portrait, Lily suddenly realizes that they are alone in the common room, because it's very late.

"Remus, curfew! Library's closed!"

But he doesn't hear her.

"So?"Peter asks, bringing her back to more important issues at hand.

She looks at him frowning again.

"I don't know, Pete, neither feels right."She concludes finally.

Remus barges back into the common room.

"Curfew!"He groans. "Why are you still standing here?"

"Well, I was _going_ to ask you."Lily mutters indignantly, but there's a small smile playing on her lips.

"What?"Remus gives up.

"What do we do with Pete?" She gestures to the boy…girl…Peter, standing next to her.

"What do you mean?"Moony looks at them confused.

"Where does he sleep tonight?"Lily asks as if it is the most obvious question in the world.

Peter tries to communicate his pleas and wildest dreams to Remus through his eyes, but Remus takes one look at his weirdly squinting friend and his eyebrows shoot up.

"Don't be daft Lily, of course he's sleeping where he always sleeps. Unless you and your friends want to be ogled at various states of undress and committed to memory for nighttime activities when he gets his parts back."Remus scoffs rolling his eyes.

Peter hears the gates of paradise squeak and clink as they shut right in front of his face, and it is someone who he once considered a friend that puts a lock on them and turns the key.

"Oh. Right."Lily murmurs. "Of course."

"Prick."Pete swears under his breath.

"Not really. I just have some moral values, you ungrateful brat."Remus retorts and walks towards the dorm, grabbing Peter's collar and dragging him up with him.

Lily is left staring after them wide eyed.

"Well."She sighs, and turns to walk to girl's dormitory, not wanting to be late for the lingerie pillow fight.

* * *

"I can't do it, Moony, I can't."Sirius is clinging to the post of his bed with both hands, whilst Remus is dragging him… trying to drag him off of it by his ankles.

"You are not skiving."He retaliates angrily. "Seventh year. Must. Be. Serious." The guy grunts out between breaths.

"Always. Am."Sirius replies which makes James, who is sitting by, enjoying the show, laugh.

"Not. Funny. Anymore."Remus growls and tugs stronger.

The bed moves from its place slightly.

"Ow-ow-ow-ow!"Sirius yelps. "Truce! Truce! Moony!"

Remus gives Sirius' legs one last thug, before letting go of the bloke, who immediately curls up nursing his poor ankles.

"Sirius, we have to go. You have to go."Remus sighs.

"But I can't. They're gonna laugh." Sirius pouts.

"A bit too late for that, don't you think?" Remus rolls his eyes.

"Still. I don't wanna."Sirius whines.

"Well you 'gotta'." Moony is not having it.

Sirius looks at him, a lock of brown hair with golden streaks falling into his eyes, intent and unrelenting staring right at him and wants to squirm.

This is really inconvenient.

This stubborn look and slightly flushed cheeks are very inconvenient, because they make Sirius not only want to kiss Moony but also do whatever he asks, and right now he can't actually do either.

"Moony, they'll make fun of me. I can't face Snivellus."Sirius groans out, throwing himself back onto his mattress.

Remus sighs and just stands there watching his friend silently for a moment.

"I'll hex them if they laugh at you Sirius. Granted they have the right to, because, need I remind you, you did this to yourself, but if they make fun of you, I'll still hex them." Moony finally gives in and Sirius knows he is probably quietly hoping that he won't actually need to hex anyone, and his scariest prefect glare will do the trick on its own.

"Promise?"Sirius peeks at his friend through his eyelashes because it's his best look, which he, though he would never admit it if anyone ever dared to ask, has practiced for hours in the mirror.

While the look seems to do nothing to Remus, the guy still smiles warmly.

"Promise."

"And you will not leave my side today. You never know when they might attack."Sirius negotiates.

He can almost feel James' mocking stare on him, but he pays no mind, he is too busy showing Remus' his best puppy dog eyes.

"Okay, if you get ready in two minutes, I will let you follow me all day and I won't even complain about it."Remus agrees easily.

"Now if that isn't love, I don't know what is."James sighs dreamily.

"Yes. Deep and passionate."Remus deadpans while Sirius shoots James an alarmed glare. "Sirius, just hurry up."


End file.
